Damn.
Look at Mrs. Larabee, back on the market, living the single life in L.A.
Give me my phone.
Gi... Give... Give me ...Give me the phone.
Carol is not back on the market.
She took a new job and Chuck couldn't go with her.
Look, she's sitting behind a desk.
How does that say she's living the single life?
Top button unbuttoned.
Open for business.
Hmm.
The Larabees living in different states.
This could either bring them together or rip them apart.
Finally, this neighborhood is getting interesting.
Well, I'm glad you're happy.
I lost a good friend.
Oh, so go get a new one. Oh, go on Facebook.
Your crowd has ruined it for everybody else anyway.
You know, it's not that easy for me to meet new people.
I always made friends at mom's groups or... or at my work.
Well, what about the Susan woman you met at the block party?
I believe I saw some sparks between you two crazy kids.
Yeah.
We had coffee a couple times,
but then we went to a mall and she stole a dress.
I mean, it wasn't even her size.
Hey, Vanessa. Hey.
Thanks for letting me borrow the food processor to make nut butter.
I brought you some... from Whole Foods.
Turns out I stink at making nut butter.
Whole Foods. Mom, you should go there.
That place is crawling with ladies your age looking for ranal tuhoflash cures.
I'm going to stay alive a long time just so I can see you get old.
You know, if you're looking to meet new people, I've met some ptty cool ones
through the lending library in my neighborhood.
By definition, there are no cool people at libraries.
Hey, I've spent a lot of time in libraries.
Well, I stand corrected.
No, it's not an actual library.
It's a little wooden hutch on a post
that you put in your front yard to attract readers. Mm. Yeah.
It's like a bird feeder for nerds.
A nerd feeder.
I was worried about making new friends in my neighborhood
until one day, this guy walked by, and he picked up a copy
of Stephen Jay Gould's "Punctuated Equilibrium."
And I was like, "Hell, yeah, dude."
Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen. www.addic7ed.com
You took all the coffee.
Why don't you just drink it right out of the pot?
That would look silly.
Mmm.
This is how the French drink coffee.
Yeah. The French.
They're the ones we should be banning.
Hey, there are the guys I want to see.
Hey. Hi.
Hi, honey. Brought you lunch. There you go.
Oh, my goodness. Hi, sweetie.
How are you? Good.
Bringing us lunch? Yeah.
We're not kids. What do you got?!
Oh, hey.
Salad. Want to trade?
Damn it! I got a salad, too.
There's pudding, too... Ooh.
...but not until you have three bites of your salad first.
Okay.
Well, thank you very much for the lunch, Vanessa.
Well, with Carol away, I just want to make sure you're eating well.
He's doing great.
I just saw him have, what, six doughnuts and, what, a bowl of coffee?
No.
How are you holding up, Chuck?
Are you okay? You feeling all right?
Is everything okay?
How are you... I'm... I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.
Okay. Carol's not dead.
I know. We're not getting a divorce.
She just moved to L.A. for this job opportunity.
That's all.
He's doing more than fine.
He's got the house to himself.
He could eat lasagna on the couch in his underwear.
Carol and I are used to being apart.
I-I'm a Marine.
I've had to go out of town over the years on business trips
or, as you civilians call them, wars.
You know, Chuck, it's okay to miss your wife.
Leave him alone. Chuck doesn't have any feelings.
That's why we get along.
We would be even better friends if you would trade puddings with me.
I didn't make America safe for butterscotch.
Love you. Enjoy your lunch.
See you.
Why do they even make butterscotch?
Let it go.
Oh, great. Is it "wabbit" season again?
No, i-it's supposed to be a trumpet.
And... And the reason there's a trumpet
is that this week marks your 500th vlog.
And this is the party... two guys and a duck call?
Well, I... Don't you want to know who the finalists are?
Finalists for what?
The "Meet Outdoor Man" essay contest...
...where the winner gets to sit in on your 500th vlog.
I thought I killed this idea.
No, no, no, no, no.
Y-You said, "I'd... I'd rather not do it,"
I said, "I'd rather you did," and here we are!
Kyle, go ahead.
No, no, no, no, no.
My vlogs are not some cheap promotional gimmick.
They're well-written and enjoyed by millions of people.
I don't know the exact number, but I know it's more than Obama had.
As long as it sells the tents and jerkies.
Kyle, you're on. Go ahead.
Uh, "If more people listened to Mike Baxter,
the whole world would be a lot better off."
Hmm? I could meet him.
Or... Go ahead.
..."Mike Baxter doesn't just sell fishing poles.
He sells a way of life."
Or him.
All right.
"Is Mike Baxter Outdoor Man or Superman?"
Well, they... they all make great points.
All right, you know?
You win.
You pick one, and I'll meet him.
All right, you heard the man.
Pick him. He'll meet him.
Right, right, right.
All right, Kyle, play me out. Oh.
Hey. All fixed.
You know, it does feel good working on a house.
Now I know why Jimmy Carter does it.
It's a habitat for the humanities.
So, how's the book swap going?
Well, I have been getting some traffic,
but no one has taken any of my favorite books.
I was hoping there would be at least one person in the neighborhood
with the same interests as me.
Wow.
"Jane Eyre"?
I did a book report on this in high school that was so good,
Mandy got an "A" on it, too.
That's the first one I put in there.
It's my favorite book.
I guess I shouldn't say that in front of "Wuthering Heights."
Yeah, you also shouldn't say that in front of other people.
Oh, hey, Mom, it looks like somebody already borrowed this one.
There's... There's a note inside.
"I, too, love the sisters Bronte.
It's nice to find a kindred spirit in the neighborhood."
Hmm.
"What tale do you best like to hear?"
That's a quote from "Jane Eyre."
This is so cute.
Y-You have to leave a note for her.
No, I can't. I can't. I... Why not?
Mom, Mom, somewhere out there, you have a friend.
No, I can't. I can't.
I-I-I need new stationery
and... and a fountain pen and, uh, lavender spray.
Uh, no. Uh, no. Tangerine.
No, first thought... lavender.
Oh, God. Trust yourself, Vanessa!
Wow.
Whoever left these notes really loves the Bronte sisters.
It's so sad to think they're all dead now.
Wasn't Zsa Zsa the last to go?
Yeah, I'm just so excited that there's someone out there
that I can talk 19th-century British literature with.
Ugh.
It's like finding a needle in a really boring haystack.
Why haven't you gotten together with her?
I'm working on it. I-I don't want to rush it.
You know, in the 19th century, people would correspond
for years before they would ever meet.
And then when the time came, they were dead.
Every few days, I'll send a new note revealing a little bit more about myself,
slowly inching us down the road toward friendship.
Or I could smoke her out by Wednesday.
You know, Eve's plan doesn't sound so bad, Mom.
You've got to be wondering who she is.
Oh, I know who she is.
No, she's a professional woman, elegant but friendly,
fashionable but not trying too hard, in her 50s, looks 40s,
but... a guy at the post office once said 38.
Yeah.
When she was 38.
Mom, Mom, just... just let me handle this, okay?
I've got nets, night-vision goggles... and if she's a runner... a dart gun.
My plan will work.
A good friendship just takes time.
It also usually involves knowing the person's name.
You think people just run around telling each other their names?
Well, I have seen it done.
I know what I'm doing.
I know how to make friends.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to send a series of notes
written in 19th-century script.
I knew that thing was gonna attract weirdos.
I just didn't think it was gonna come from our own house.
Yeah?
Hey, the, uh, contest winner's here, Mr. B.
His name's Wayne Sizemore.
Okay, cool.
Hey, Wayne. Mike Baxter.
Nice to meet you.
You, too.
Your hands are as soft as a liberal's foreign policy.
Well, except these hands actually...
Actually work.
You used that line in Vlog 304,
when you had a sale on Dr. Brown's Camping Soap.
Well, I'm flattered. You really know your vlogs.
No, I know your vlogs.
I've memorized damn near all 500 of them.
Oh, is... Let's not touch that.
Hey, I recognize this chair.
This is where the magic happens.
Well, it's mostly just common sense spoken in a magical way.
Take a seat.
If you have a phone, I'll snap a picture of you.
Well, you know darn well I don't have a phone, Mike Baxter.
I got rid of that after V-116.
In Vlog 116, I said something about phones?
You told us the government was using our smartphones to track our every move.
You said Big Brother was becoming our weird uncle.
I was just trying to be funny.
No, sir.
That's another thing I love about your vlogs.
They're not funny.
They're a little funny.
If I want comedy, I'll watch CNN.
You said that in V-484, because the media is a joke,
controlled by Castro, who is still very much alive.
Wayne, I'm sure I never said that.
There's the stuff you say and the stuff you kind of say
and the stuff you never say at all, but... I hear it anyway.
Oh, you're getting my secret messages.
Bingo was his name-o.
Well, what else did I say that I didn't say?
The only way to get the form of government you want is to take action.
That sounds reasonable.
Which is why my group of patriots and I are seceding from the United States.
That does not.
We've got 500 acres of farmland
that will soon be called the Free State of Northern Colorado.
Yeah.
Listen, totally random thought here.
Did they do any kind of background check for the contest winners?
Hey. What's up? Hey, sweetie.
I'm just gonna check the lending library,
see if there's a new letter from my book buddy. Oh, okay.
Well, just keep your hands off Anne Bronte's "Agnes Grey."
Why?
"A," it's terrible, and "B," I booby-trapped it.
Hey, look, look, look, it's nothing.
It's just a small charge that will create a small explosion
and cover a person in a small amount of blue dye.
Go out there right now and diffuse that bomb.
I can't believe I'm using that sentence with my daughter.
Ohh. Oh, that was big.
I should have done a practice one.
I did two tours in Iraq without getting hit by an IED, and now this.
Not cool.
I'm really sorry, Chuck.
Eve was just so curious about who was leaving me all those notes.
So she put a bomb in a tiny neighborhood library.
Makes perfect sense.
Great kid.
It really was you all this time?
I mean, why didn't you just tell me?
My taste for English romance novels is something I prefer to keep secret.
I stopped talking about it when I was a Marine
and a copy of "Wuthering Heights"
fell out of my bunk.
They give you a hard time?
The Marines?
No, no.
They just shouted, "Reader,"
and beat me senseless with a pillowcase full of books.
How'd you ever get into Victorian literature?
They made us read it in high school,
around the time I was, uh, getting dumped.
And the Brontes showed me I could be a lonely, mysterious Healthcliff
instead of a "home alone Friday night" Chuck.
I spent a lot of Friday nights alone, too.
Ah.
That's a lie.
I was very popular.
Well, you know, I-I could forgive Eve for the shirt
if I... if I could have one of those scones.
Are they, uh, currant?
Yeah, I just made them today.
I see what you did there. That was good.
Hey, Wayne, don't touch anything.
You know that's... that's how they get you.
Guys, I'm sorry, but that man is crazy.
He's crazy about you, Mikey.
Believe me I get it.
No, I mean "basement full of doll parts" crazy.
That's what you get for pushing so hard for this contest.
I don't understand.
He had such a nice smile.
He does have a nice smile, Mikey...
all teeth, no gums, very photogenic.
Well, a lot of crazy people have nice smiles and those big eyes,
with the spinning disks, which is the last thing you see.
Okay, you got to get back in there, Mikey. Come on.
Kyle, let him use your duck whistle in case everything goes south.
Nah, nah.
Hey, Wayne. Hey.
Oh, you have a beautiful family, Mike. What?
Oh, that's not my family. That picture came in the frame.
Yeah.
My family's scattered all over the world.
I don't even know where they are.
Well, do you want me to hunt them down for you?
That's a very kind offer, but no, I don't want you to hunt them down for me.
So, when are we gonna do this vlog?
The Free State could use some new recruits.
Listen, listen, listen, listen, Wayne, about the vlog...
I know I complain about the government a lot.
I really do.
But, you know, I pay my taxes.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
I-I mean, I'm a conservative guy, and... and I... I love the government.
I support the system here.
I am with you 100%, Mike.
Right. Uh-huh.
Oh, I support the system, too, pay my taxes.
No, Wayne, we're not bugged.
And listen, I don't think I am who you think I am.
My vlogs do not contain any secret messages.
And you know what else?
They are funny.
Eh.
Listen...
I don't think we should do the vlog.
You know what else? I got a better idea.
I say we go down to the store.
You can pick out whatever you want except a gun.
Now, Mike, you wouldn't be trying to cheat me out of
my duly won prize, now, would you?
You know, a few years back, a... a guy named Jim Dunsmore tried that.
Ever hear of him?
No, Wayne, of course not.
And never will.
Nobody can prove nothing.
All right.
Congratulations, Wayne.
You passed the test.
Wh-What test?
Put 'er there.
I had to know that you're the real deal.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, we're gonna... we're gonna do that vlog.
It'll seem like a normal one, right,
except for you, me, and the others... we'll know.
I knew there were others!
We'll all know.
It's about supporting the national parks,
but, uh, you probably know what that... that really means.
Mind-control chemicals in the drinking water?
Bingo was his name-o.
Here's one of my favorite Bronte quotes, okay?
"Life is so constructed that the event does not,
cannot, will not match the expectation."
I freakin' love that one.
Yeah, you do!
Yeah. Yeah.
All right, all right, here's my favorite.
"I wish I were a girl again, half-savage and hardy and free."
Yeah, I don't quote that one.
Yeah.
I think these books can be a great outlet,
especially when you're going through a rough patch, you know,
kind of like the one you're going through right now with Carol.
This isn't a rough patch.
She's only gone a year.
Don't be closed like Mr. Rochester.
Be open like Jane.
Wh... You're angry.
I'm really not.
Yes, you are. You're ...You're furious.
You've never been this mad in your life.
I'm starting to get a little irritated at you right now.
Chuck, wait. Come on. Come on. Hey, Chuck.
Hey, y-you just can't say it, can you...
because you think that'll make you look like a horrible person?
Vanessa, is it possible that you're a little mad at Carol for going away?
No. No, no, no, no.
Yes. Yes!
Does that make me a horrible person?
No. She's your friend.
Yeah, and I should be happy for her.
It's okay.
You're not really mad at her.
You just... miss her.
I miss her, too.
Listen, if you want to get together every now and then
and talk Brontes, we can... for a small amount of that time...
talk about your feelings.
Thank you.
Yeah. Thanks. Thanks.
You know, Chuck... you were supposed to be a lovely career woman like me.
"Life is so constructed that the event does not,
will not, cannot match the expectation."
Freakin' love that one.
Hey. Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man
with the winner of the 500th vlog contest, Wayne...
Don't use my name.
...here with a few words about our national parks.
So listen carefully... especially to the words he's not saying.
Our national parks are national treasures.
They're home to majestic mountains, breathtaking waterfalls...
Filled with fluoride pumped in by the government.
Have you ever seen a beaver's teeth?
Beautiful, clean, no cavities, great smile.
And contrary to popular belief, hunting is allowed
in many national parks for population control.
Speaking of population control,
why does the government put "sriracha sauce" on everything?
So, in quick closing... visit your parks, and that's our 500th
and quite possibly our final vlog.